Who says love has died? I can turn on my phone and judge people based on 4 pictures of their choosing until I find someone that I think is somewhat attractive. If your lucky, you get an insta-match. And there is nothing as gratifying as that. SEEMS LIKE THEY THINK YOU ARE OK TOO- you still got it goin girl!
Need a Self-Esteem Boost? Going to Bed? Need something to do while your watching TV (since one screen is not enough)? Waiting for a Train? Middle of the night? Going to the bathroom? At work? Ignoring your Friends? Need something to do on your phone since you found yourself alone at a public place? All perfect times for tindering. And no- don't worry about getting matched up with someone at 4am so they will get an obnoxious notification, spontaneity is what true love is all about ;)
After tinder'ing for some time now (that's a humble-brag), I have come to realize that I definitely have a criteria of people who are insta-rejects. There is the standard, unattractive rejection, then there are some that are so absurd that I actually have to click on their profile and discover more about this strange,strange person who would willingly object themselves to this kind of humiliation.
NOTE: All pictures used are very very real.
Mystery Ab Man
Ok, We get it, you have nice abs. But guess what, so do you and about 40% of the rest of the guys on Tinder. But really, is this due to my close proximity to the NJ/Long Island area? Why are there so many Ab pics? But Newsflash to you torso-baring, mirror lovin' men: No one really cares about your abs. In fact, sometimes I distrust a man who is too chiseled, that means that you spend your extra time at the gym, instead of enjoying the finer things in life such as eating carbs and drinking- often and in great quantities. Now most men are not as extreme as Elvin here, I normally see crafty moves like hiding their face behind the phone/with the flash, in mirror-selfie instances. Or perhaps just a straight pic of the abs, cut off at the head, in what I like to call a "floating body" tinder.
In Poor Elvins' case, I'm getting a sneaking suspicion he COULD be hiding something. I'm sorry Elv, but come out from your white censor box of shame and show your true colors (so we can all laugh and continue to deny you cause you are most likely a butterface)
If I Probably Know You
For all you wondering, yes, I do know this guy. And I HOPE TO GOD he doesn't see this. I hope this in a similar way that I would hope that no one on tinder should ever actually like someone they actually know. No, I don't mean like a good friend of yours and you can send some creepy messages back n forth then laugh about it later. I mean when you like some one you kinda know, but you don't really know, and there is no way you could play that off as a joke. Then there is always that awkward possibility that you will someday run into them- then have to have the most dreaded conversation of them all: "Oh hi, I think we met on Tinder".
You Honestly Think this is an Acceptable Picture?
You are a grown-ass man, learn how to crop your fucking picture. If you don't know how to crop a picture, then you have bigger problems to deal with (do you even crop bro?).Same goes for an extremely pixalated/blurry picture, that basically tells me you have something to hide or highly incompetent. Insta-left swipe.
WHICH ONE ARE YOU?!?
I'm not gonna play a game of wheres waldo with your tinder pics here. Plus I'm always thinking *please not the short guy in the back, please not the short guy in the back* and it ALWAYS ends up being the short guy in the back. If you have ANY sense, and are willing to pull a total power move, please do what Pete here has done and clearly state that you are in fact, the taller man:
The CATFISH
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Old Man/High Schooler
Not posting a pic for this one cause its either really sad when its an old person, and maybe illegal if its a 16 year-old. (20 year olds or over, I can work with)
Is that Baby Yours?
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| Photo Credit to JARM |
There is absolutely no reason that this child needs to be in any of the four pictures you can choose to be part of your tinder profile. WHAT KIND OF APP DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THIS IS.
Your Name
Sorry Spikez, Basel, Moad, Kenzo, Jesus, Teja, Shair, Bullet, Ste, Justice, Remik, Arbor, or Constantinople I just don't think it would work out between us.
You are Clearly with your Girlfriend
Isn't she gonna be mad about this?
The Downright Bizarre
I'm not entirely opposed to saying yes to you. Given your funny/hot scale *think Barney's Crazy/Hot scale*, you could just make the cut.
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| An 'Ab Man' Disguising as Funny |
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| Double Potty Shot |
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| I appreciate his self-confidence |
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| Another mystery ab- but in female version |
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| Something tells me Joe is probably not this 'adorkable' at 29 |
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| Is this protecting her face from the noodles? Or just a statement piece? |
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| The most impressive facepaint job have seen in some time. |
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| "Life is a Blast, laugh as much as possible"-Me |
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| Avi, just a soft 7 looking for some 9 and 10s. |
Best Tinder Pickup Lines:
-Were you born on a chicken farm? Cause you sure know how to raise a cock.
-Can I be the little spoon?
-Wanna go snorkeling?
Worst:
-So do you think you could be my Tinderella?
-How many pushups can you do? (This is not meant to be sent to girls, you idiot)
-Hey
-Whats your favorite [insert anything]
-I wish I was your tampon, becuase I want to be as close to your uterus as possible
-If you and I were squirrels could I bust a nut in your hole? (Points for creativity though)
