A Hierarchy of Water

All water is not created equal. In fact, some water (of drinking varietal) is simply downright degrading. While other waters can really put our faith back into that clear beverage we are predominately made of. There are some clear winners and losers which are apparent after a simple taste test, but- lets break this down further. What does you choice of water say about you?

Smart Water 

The clear winner in the taste test portion. However deliciousness comes with a price. Its on the expensive end- but 100% worth it. A smart choice if your feeling luxurious. Plus Jenny A. drinks it = I drink it. DISCLAIMER: I do not actually believe that smart water does indeed make me a smarter person after drinking. In fact, if you think this does make you smarter post-sip then you are stupid. 

Poland Spring

Old Faithful. Its what you grew up on, everyone likes it. Kinda like the girl-next-door of bottled waters. I find that P'Springs is often guys' favorites, this could be that guys often don't like change and are too afraid to get something other than what their mother would buy for them. But despite its 'vanilla' (not literally, that would actually be really weird) reputation, you know PS always going to be there for you when you need it. And especially when you REALLY need it, like Marco Rubio. 

FIJI

Photo Evidence

Feelin fancy? Well FIJI water just oozes '. Yet despite this frou-frou, I really like the taste of FIJI, probably a step below Smart Water and a step above Poland Springs. The bottle is square and tropical looking, but what the fuck is up with the bottle sizes? I can never seem to find a normal looking bottle its always slightly too large/small, which is entirely too inconvenient. And for that, I reject FIJI

Perrier

Probably foreign or something

Tap

Depends on location, here in NYC I drink nothing else. Unless I am really hungover, then I set up a hydration station at my desk (bottled water, smart water zero, iced coffee, coconut water +bagel (Bacon,Egg and Cheese if its REAL bad)).
REAL PHOTO:

I know. I got FIJI, but the mini-bottle made me feel better because I was thinking my beverages' were starting to look excessive. 

VOSS

Who are you trying to impress here? VOSS practically screams: 'I have money and I would like you to know that I can spend large amount of it on a beverage that I can literally get anywhere for free'. If you seriously drink VOSS, then I think you should probably fuck off.

Store Brand

why even bother?

For when your tap sucks, and you're too poor for Poland Springs

Aquafina/Dasani

Sucks. If you like this water, you generally have no taste buds. Its not necessarily that I don't like you, I just feel bad for you. Although I would rather drink either of these rather than have to endure....

Evian

Evian by far is the worst tasting water I have ever drank from a bottle. And this is saying a lot, cause the last time I bought it I thought the fanciness of Evian would make me feel better about being myself/shamelessly hungover. I was wrong. Even hungover me could not appreciate this water.

Which brought me to question myself, this is supposed to be the best water in the world right? I definitely know its the most expensive. Do I have an unrefined pallet? Cause as far as I know people still seem to think its good- I still see people buying this, Evian hasn't gone out of business. I have yet to find a person who prefers Evian as their water of choice- in fact the only fictional person I can think of who liked Evian was Lindsay Lohan's almost step-mom in The Parent Trap. And she was a huge bitch. So, if you do like Evian, 1-Please contact me so I can ask you about other things you like (and judge you). But until then, Evian lovers do not exist to me.