Tinder: The perfect app for when I've already checked instagram, facebook, twitter and snapchat

In the world of Tinder, there are losers, then there are more losers. The majority of the people aren't exactly looking for for their 'tinderella', I'm sure there are some delusion ladies out there, but lets cap it at that. Everyone on Tinder is bored. Everyone on Tinder likes to judge people. Everyone on Tinder is a LITTLE bit fucked up. I'm bored, I like to judge, and definitely a little fucked up. I'm on Tinder.
Who says love has died? I can turn on my phone and judge people based on 4 pictures of their choosing until I find someone that I think is somewhat attractive. If your lucky, you get an insta-match. And there is nothing as gratifying as that. SEEMS LIKE THEY THINK YOU ARE OK TOO- you still got it goin girl!
Need a Self-Esteem Boost? Going to Bed? Need something to do while your watching TV (since one screen is not enough)? Waiting for a Train? Middle of the night? Going to the bathroom? At work? Ignoring your Friends? Need something to do on your phone since you found yourself alone at a public place? All perfect times for tindering. And no- don't worry about getting matched up with someone at 4am so they will get an obnoxious notification, spontaneity is what true love is all about ;)

After tinder'ing for some time now (that's a humble-brag), I have come to realize that I definitely have a criteria of people who are insta-rejects. There is the standard, unattractive rejection, then there are some that are so absurd that I actually have to click on their profile and discover more about this strange,strange person who would willingly object themselves to this kind of humiliation.

NOTE: All pictures used are very very real.

Mystery Ab Man 

Ok, We get it, you have nice abs. But guess what, so do you and about 40% of the rest of the guys on Tinder. But really, is this due to my close proximity to the NJ/Long Island area? Why are there so many Ab pics? But Newsflash to you torso-baring, mirror lovin' men: No one really cares about your abs. In fact, sometimes I distrust a man who is too chiseled, that means that you spend your extra time at the gym, instead of enjoying the finer things in life such as eating carbs and drinking- often and in great quantities.  Now most men are not as extreme as Elvin here, I normally see crafty moves like hiding their face behind the phone/with the flash, in mirror-selfie instances. Or perhaps just a straight pic of the abs, cut off at the head, in what I like to call a "floating body" tinder. 

In Poor Elvins' case, I'm getting a sneaking suspicion he COULD be hiding something. I'm sorry Elv, but come out from your white censor box of shame and show your true colors (so we can all laugh and continue to deny you cause you are most likely a butterface)

If I Probably Know You

For all you wondering, yes, I do know this guy. And I HOPE TO GOD he doesn't see this. I hope this in a similar way that I would hope that no one on tinder should ever actually like someone they actually know. No, I don't mean like a good friend of yours and you can send some creepy messages back n forth then laugh about it later. I mean when you like some one you kinda know, but you don't really know, and there is no way you could play that off as a joke. Then there is always that awkward possibility that you will someday run into them- then have to have the most dreaded conversation of them all: "Oh hi, I think we met on Tinder". 

You Honestly Think this is an Acceptable Picture?

You are a grown-ass man, learn how to crop your fucking picture. If you don't know how to crop a picture, then you have bigger problems to deal with (do you even crop bro?).Same goes for an extremely pixalated/blurry picture, that basically tells me you have something to hide or highly incompetent. Insta-left swipe.

WHICH ONE ARE YOU?!?

I'm not gonna play a game of wheres waldo with your tinder pics here. Plus I'm always thinking *please not the short guy in the back, please not the short guy in the back* and it ALWAYS ends up being the short guy in the back. If you have ANY sense, and are willing to pull a total power move, please do what Pete here has done and clearly state that you are in fact, the taller man: 

The CATFISH

Nev would be disappointed in you. But really, how can you have one picture look so good and the rest look so bad? Did you have ONE really photogenic day 3 years ago then use this picture for all of your social media pics for all eternity? Because I think that's exactly what you did. 

Old Man/High Schooler

Not posting a pic for this one cause its either really sad when its an old person, and maybe illegal if its a 16 year-old. (20 year olds or over, I can work with)

Is that Baby Yours?

Photo Credit to JARM

There is absolutely no reason that this child needs to be in any of the four pictures you can choose to be part of your tinder profile. WHAT KIND OF APP DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THIS IS. 

Your Name 

Sorry Spikez, Basel, Moad, Kenzo, Jesus, Teja, Shair, Bullet, Ste, Justice, Remik, Arbor, or Constantinople I just don't think it would work out between us.

You are Clearly with your Girlfriend

Isn't she gonna be mad about this?

The Downright Bizarre 

I'm not entirely opposed to saying yes to you. Given your funny/hot scale *think Barney's Crazy/Hot scale*, you could just make the cut. 

An 'Ab Man' Disguising as Funny

Double Potty Shot

I appreciate his self-confidence

Another mystery ab- but in female version

Something tells me Joe is probably not this 'adorkable' at 29

Is this protecting her face from the noodles? Or just a statement piece?

The most impressive facepaint job have seen in some time.

"Life is a Blast, laugh as much as possible"-Me

Avi, just a soft 7 looking for some 9 and 10s. 

Best Tinder Pickup Lines:
-Were you born on a chicken farm? Cause you sure know how to raise a cock.
-Can I be the little spoon?
-Wanna go snorkeling?

Worst:
-So do you think you could be my Tinderella?
-How many pushups can you do? (This is not meant to be sent to girls, you idiot)
-Hey
-Whats your favorite [insert anything]
-I wish I was your tampon, becuase I want to be as close to your uterus as possible
-If you and I were squirrels could I bust a nut in your hole? (Points for creativity though)

A Timeline of Thoughts before Answering a Phone Call

Oh look! my phone is ringing

I'm so popular 

Oh its a number I don't recognize

Fuck, guess I'm not that popular

Should I answer it?

Better not, its probably a telemarketer

Telemarketers make me feel so awkward

I always wonder if they are like the guys on Workaholics

That job is DEFINITELY worse than my job

That makes me feel better

OH SHIT 

Could this be about that job I applied to last week? 

Ughhhh fuck I'm not in the right mindset for this

I guess I have to answer it now

Anyone who would really need me would leave a message

So I don't HAVE to answer 

But I probably should 

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck 

Let me just clear my throat a few times so I don't sound like idiot if I do decide to answer 

Well now that I've put this time in, I better answer 

Oh shit I hope it doesn't go to voicemail, its been awhile
I hope no one hears me

"Hello, This is Allison"
Shit, how did I end up sounding like such a tool after only saying four words
Probably cause I'm talking weirdly quietly
I still hope no one heard me

"Hello, this is your local county representative, Diane Rizzo!"

Thats it

I'm never answering the phone again

A Hierarchy of Water

All water is not created equal. In fact, some water (of drinking varietal) is simply downright degrading. While other waters can really put our faith back into that clear beverage we are predominately made of. There are some clear winners and losers which are apparent after a simple taste test, but- lets break this down further. What does you choice of water say about you?

Smart Water 

The clear winner in the taste test portion. However deliciousness comes with a price. Its on the expensive end- but 100% worth it. A smart choice if your feeling luxurious. Plus Jenny A. drinks it = I drink it. DISCLAIMER: I do not actually believe that smart water does indeed make me a smarter person after drinking. In fact, if you think this does make you smarter post-sip then you are stupid. 

Poland Spring

Old Faithful. Its what you grew up on, everyone likes it. Kinda like the girl-next-door of bottled waters. I find that P'Springs is often guys' favorites, this could be that guys often don't like change and are too afraid to get something other than what their mother would buy for them. But despite its 'vanilla' (not literally, that would actually be really weird) reputation, you know PS always going to be there for you when you need it. And especially when you REALLY need it, like Marco Rubio. 

FIJI

Photo Evidence

Feelin fancy? Well FIJI water just oozes '. Yet despite this frou-frou, I really like the taste of FIJI, probably a step below Smart Water and a step above Poland Springs. The bottle is square and tropical looking, but what the fuck is up with the bottle sizes? I can never seem to find a normal looking bottle its always slightly too large/small, which is entirely too inconvenient. And for that, I reject FIJI

Perrier

Probably foreign or something

Tap

Depends on location, here in NYC I drink nothing else. Unless I am really hungover, then I set up a hydration station at my desk (bottled water, smart water zero, iced coffee, coconut water +bagel (Bacon,Egg and Cheese if its REAL bad)).
REAL PHOTO:

I know. I got FIJI, but the mini-bottle made me feel better because I was thinking my beverages' were starting to look excessive. 

VOSS

Who are you trying to impress here? VOSS practically screams: 'I have money and I would like you to know that I can spend large amount of it on a beverage that I can literally get anywhere for free'. If you seriously drink VOSS, then I think you should probably fuck off.

Store Brand

why even bother?

For when your tap sucks, and you're too poor for Poland Springs

Aquafina/Dasani

Sucks. If you like this water, you generally have no taste buds. Its not necessarily that I don't like you, I just feel bad for you. Although I would rather drink either of these rather than have to endure....

Evian

Evian by far is the worst tasting water I have ever drank from a bottle. And this is saying a lot, cause the last time I bought it I thought the fanciness of Evian would make me feel better about being myself/shamelessly hungover. I was wrong. Even hungover me could not appreciate this water.

Which brought me to question myself, this is supposed to be the best water in the world right? I definitely know its the most expensive. Do I have an unrefined pallet? Cause as far as I know people still seem to think its good- I still see people buying this, Evian hasn't gone out of business. I have yet to find a person who prefers Evian as their water of choice- in fact the only fictional person I can think of who liked Evian was Lindsay Lohan's almost step-mom in The Parent Trap. And she was a huge bitch. So, if you do like Evian, 1-Please contact me so I can ask you about other things you like (and judge you). But until then, Evian lovers do not exist to me.

An Ode to Pajamas

I have often been pressured into the normal

The old sorority t-shirts, and Hanes apparel 

Baggy shorts, stolen from old hook-ups 

The occasional pair of boxers

Yet I stand up and say NO 

No longer will I suffice to smelly items 

Tangled in the sheets from being 2 sizes too large 

I choose you- Vera Wang sleeping set 

The perfect blend of rayon and spandex 

To ensure a breathable, yet contained feeling 

For a pleasureable nights sleep 

And its machine washable.

A garment specifically designed for sleeping

Yet can also act a lounge wear 

What a delight. 

People I Would Like to be if I was not Myself

First off, my favorite person in the world, hands down, no questions asked, is myself. BUT I could choose anyone else in the world to be other than me, these people would have to be it. 

1. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge 

This is obvious. A throwaway in fact. I'm disappointed i'm listing her first, but NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND wouldn't list her first (see previous post on psychopath-holidays if you are concerned about someones crazy levels- however this is also a good test). She is probably one of the most classy individuals in the world, has clothes that scream: 'hey i'm a lady, but I'm also insanely fashionable' and shes a PRINCESS. Points are also given to her because her pregnancy is completely upstaging Kim K's and I just love that. 

2. Cara Delevinge 

#lookatthosebrows

A lot of people aren't yet familiar with Cara D, but I predict that won't be the case for much longer. She's been the face of Burberry, H&M, Zara, Chanel, and most recently Fendi. Not to mention she dated Harry Styles, which I am insanely jealous of... but now she is possibly a lesbian with Rita Ora? Details to follow on that, but whatever bi-curiosity is no issue if you have the chance to be Cara. I think I would also list her near the top of people I would like to be best friends with as well, especially after watching this video of her and fellow model Jourdan Dunn in her cooking show 'Well Dunn' 

Hey Cara, I also like onesies and funny hats too- look we have so much in common already, this should transition nicely if I ever were to be you. Slightly surprised at myself for topping my charts with 2 Brits- guess  my One Direction obsession is starting to filter into the rest of my life. Or I'm into being foreign today cause next is my favorite Latina....  

3. Shakira 

I can't dance, my main move is like a wiggle/hop/arm swing/shake move. Not the WORST in the world- but I kinda look like a little kid just learning how to do 'The Shake' with their mom and dad. No matter how hard I try- it always reverts back to this move, SO my #1 reason I want to be Shakira is learn how to shake my butt like her. #2 is her HOT Soccer Playing Husband,  Gerard Pique here:

#3 is being a Latina Lady myself (!hola Mexico¡) I feel the need to support our friends from the South. Plus Shakira is a genuinely GOOD person -as are the others, but I get a really really nice vibe from her- possibly from watching The Voice too much. Which is also a reason I want to be her, she gets to sit on an insanely cool swivel chair, surrounded by hot guys (Usher, Black Shelton and Adam Levine) and judge people. 

Honorable Mentions: 

-Anna Kendrick

Shes funny (esp on twitter), shes a good actress, and she was in Pitch Perfect one of my favorite movies

- Miley Cyrus 

She just doesn't give a fuck which I admire, I'm secretly obsessed with 'We Can't Stop' and shes dating Liam Hemsworth (aka Gale), she twerks, plus she has a bulldog named 'Mary-Jane' what more could you ask for??

-Selena Gomez

She looks like a complete badass after her breakup with Biebs 

how to root out a psychopath by determining their favorite holiday

To clarify, I'm talking about legit Holidays aka something you get off work for- and Halloween. No, your birthday does not count as a holiday, and neither does Valentines. However if your favorite holidays do happen to be your Birthday or Valentines Day- just stop reading right here. Because those people are psychopaths (or preteen girls). Although you probably didn't need any insight from me to figure that out, cause like... really? 

In my opinion the definitive list of Holiday rankings are as follows: 

1. Thanksgiving

You can tell someone likes their family if their favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. You can also tell that they also like to eat a shit ton and prefer holidays where moving is frowned upon, and watching TV all day is considered highly normal, if not a rite of passage. These people are not psychopaths, they are my friends. 

The Iconic Instagram: the dining room table/turkey 

2. 4th of July 

Bros flock to this holiday. As do veterans, moms with an unhealthy Pintrest obsession, people who like to be outside/the beach and binge drinkers. As I fall under one of these categories (not a bro, not a mom, outdoors- just ok) I feel a certain connection to this holiday. Who doesn't like getting drunk and watching things explode?  Conclusion: Not psychopaths. 

Iconic Insta: American Flag Apparel on the Beach, while funneling an American Flag Bud Heavy (fireworks a plus, but not necessary)

3. Christmas/Hannukah

PRESENTS. That's all right? 

4. Halloween

Used to be my at LEAST my 2nd favorite in college/grade school (interesting how differently Halloweens' change from those 2 points- but that's a whole other matter). From candy to slutty outfits and mischievousness, Halloween is a lot of fucking fun. And provides for excellent entertainment if you are lucky enough to witness a Nov. 1 walk o' shame (stride of pride). Another point of intrest that Halloween provides, and I LOVE, is that groups of people instantly become something else- for example a group of people you may have previously described as 'Frat Guys' instantly become 'That Group of Smurfs told me to come to their party tonight.' or 'I can't believe that Slutty Nun ate all of those cookies and peed on the floor'.  Basically- you are almost a psychopath if you don't like Halloween (or diabetic-if so,sry) 

Insta: You in a slutty crayon costume with a pack of drunk teletubbies

Uneasy Territory

5. Memorial Day/Labor Day

I group these two together because I often have a hard time remembering which is which. Both of these holidays are actually quite nice so I don't want to hate on them don't get me wrong. But if someone is going to go out on a limb and say that one of these is their FAVORITE holiday, then there is something fishy going on there. But I'm gonna go with; Memorial Day- you are definitely a little off for your choosing, but hey maybe you just really summer and can't wait for the season to begin/honoring the veterans. Labor Day- I am uncomfortable around you. 

Insta: Drinking outdoors, anywhere really

6. Easter

I always feel bad for the poor guy that has to get in the Bunny Suit. Like I always imagine a few guys standing around it, shaking their heads and saying "no way man" until someone finally says 'Fuck It' and gets in. Also- its never REALLY that warm for Easter, yet since its like almost kinda warm we get in dresses and are uncomfortably chilly for the rest of the day. Not a bad holiday, but certainly not the best (unless you are Jesus). Note: I might be bitter since this year my parents sent me a hollow chocolate bunny, and that's just unacceptable. 

Insta: A noticeably chilly you, with a noticeably miserable Easter Bunny. 

Definitely a Psychopath

7. New Years 

I've had some great New Years, and generally I do like the Holiday, it has a certain climatic excitement about it you can't get anywhere else. But with that excitement, come dread, despair and anxiety. (ok maybe I'm being dramatic, but who the fuck can get a new cute sparkly dress every single year?) Prices for drinks are high, you need to plan where you may go (especially in NYC) months ahead of time, and ITS SO FUCKING COLD. End of story. People that love New Years Eve should be treated with caution.